The Story of You

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I recommended Steve Chandler’s book, The Story of You to three people last week. It’s one of the best books I have read on personal development. It challenges the reader to think about the story we invent or inherit about ourselves. It’s about how we sometimes exaggerate and embellish our story to impress. Twenty years of recruiting staff in my HR career taught me this doesn’t work for the serial fibbers. There’s a fine line between a bit of creative gilding of the lily and fantasy storytelling whether that’s in an interview or life generally. The fantasy nearly always catches up with the fantasist.

More importantly, the book is about getting real about your current story and creating a new future story, following your passion and living life on purpose. It’s about being a life owner rather than a life victim. It’s about taking responsibility for what you create in your life and who you are becoming.

It’s a great book for people who are in transition. For people who are moving from one situation to another, be that career, relationship, physical location, spiritual development or health.

I know someone who read The Story of You and spent 4 hours writing out the story of who she had been before that day. Then she wrote the story of who she is. I know she did. Because that was me.

I believe I need to practice what I promote as a coach (just to test that it works as I imagine it might).I highly recommend the story of you as a great resource for answering these 6 questions.

What’s the story I tell myself?

Is it true?

Is it serving me?

Whether it’s true or not, do I want to hang on to this story?

What do I want my story to be from now and in the future?

What’s the first step I need to take to make this story materialise?

So, what exactly is your future story and what first step do you need to take to realise it ?

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Making Yourself Strong

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“It helps my day when I remember to lead myself to higher ground, take a deep breath and go up the ladder into the spirit, the highest levels of consciousness where all creativity and compassion are.  Like Castaneda once said, You can make yourself miserable or you can make yourself strong. The amount of work is the same.”

Steve Chandler

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Marie’s Philosophy

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I believe that everyone is capable of reaching his or her full potential. Most of us just need support from another from time to time.  Support to identify our true possibility, and encouragement to be who we truly want to be. Many of us know, really know, deep down, that we are capable of more, ARE more than the people around us see on the surface. Everyone is unique, and extraordinarily capable of more than where we are right now. There are few boundaries to the possibility of people, and the only limits are those we place on ourselves and those others label us with. We are always significantly more than our imposed limitations.

Success in all areas: Living life with purpose

I hope you find something in my writing to inspire you to think today

You will find resources here to get you thinking about : Success Coaching , Managing and Leading Organisations, Entrepreneurial life, and inner wisdom. I also write some random thoughts about life experiences and look to provide inspiration on dull and sunny days. I have learnt most when I have had my thinking challenged in some way. I hope this blog supports your development too.

To your successful and wonderful life !

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My Guilty Pleasure

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I have a confession. I have decided to get public about my guilty pleasure.

I’ve been watching daytime TV. Specifically, I have been watching Judge Judy.  I have had a head cold so I have been lying on the sofa for a couple of hours a day for the last few days. I could argue that my head is full of “stuff” and that is beginning to affect my faculties but I do think Judge Judy is brilliant.

I am even beginning to think that we ought to get her over here to sort out our parliament, our austerity measures, the banks and the unions.

She has this no-nonsense, common sense, respectful yet slightly disrepectful to the disrespectful people, approach. She doesn’t suffer fools and just gets to both the facts and the morality of a situation really easily .She doesn’t mess about with floral language or deep explanations. She dives in, says it how she sees it, faces people with the truth of a situation and comes up with a sensible decision.

She’s not afraid to say (I am summarising here) “your behaviour is outrageous” or “you are behaving like a victim when you are not” or “you have a responsibility- take it” or “pay your dues and stop moaning”. I have to confess I like that. In this age of austerity or outside of it, I think we need an injection of realism and responsibility. So I vote for getting Judge Judy over here. First stop House of Commons…

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Flattering the Boss

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This is not surprising to me. What is surprising is that the research comes with a how-to provided (perhaps inadvertently) by the American Bar Association Journal.

According to the study, here are the traits that are most likely to be rewarded.

1) Frame flattery as advice-seeking. For example, you can ask, “How were you able to close that deal so successfully?”

2) Argue before accepting a manager’s opinion.

3) Compliment the manager to friends in his or her social network.

4) Act as if you realize that flattery will make the manager uncomfortable. For example, you can say, “I don’t want to embarrass you but your presentation was really top-notch.”

5) Agree with the manager’s values before agreeing with his or her opinions.

6) Tell the manager’s friends how much you agree with his or her values.

7) Bring up affiliations you think you may have in common with the manager, such as a religious group or political party.

To me, this list is incredibly handy. I think maybe people don’t like brown-nosing behavior because they think anyone could do it if they put aside their moral compass.  But this is not true. For many people, brown-nosing is very hard, not because it’s immoral per se, but because it’s so hard to think of what to say. The nuances required for successful brown-nosing behavior are like trigonometry for your emotions – too complicated to be done on the fly.

I can memorize this list. Or maybe just one or two from the list, and then I can try to say something like this when I want to make someone feel good.

And this is why I don’t understand why people think brown-nosing is compromising their integrity. Brown-nosing is just making someone feel good. Isn’t this always a nice thing to do? How could it ever hurt anyone?

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Do your Relationships Add up?

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This resonated with me this morning having spent yesterday afternoon with a very scarce client who sees everyone in the world of quantity surveying as competition so he doesn’t connect with them.  He’s a self employed QS who didn’t do well last year and lost a business – he can’t see that he ran out of cash because he was being scarce about getting in new clients ahead of other QS’s rather than chasing bills.

Yesterday I sent out an invite to a coach who I’ve met to connect on LinkedIn.  She sent me a long email about how she doesn’t connect with anyone she doesn’t know and a diatribe about her business and her book, which I already know and it’s why I was proposing to send the referrals to her.  She asked if I could  remind her where we met.  I was offering to pass referrals for a specialist type of coaching to her because I don’t do that anymore and I have met her in person twice.  Doh.

When I got this e mail from Steve Chandler this morning I realised that I was left feeling both of these people are living in distraction and subtraction at the moment . Me, I’ve always liked addition.

I co-wrote a book with Duane Black called “The Hands-Off Manager”.  Duane is an inspiration.

He taught me to think of life as a mathematical equation.

I first saw the fun and benefit of this when I solved the equation of life on two flip charts in front of a grateful gathering of managers.

Here it is:  When you are positive, (picturing the math sign: +) you add something to any conversation or meeting you are in.  That’s what being positive does, it adds.

When you are negative (-) you subtract (-) something from the conversation, the meeting, or the relationship you are in. (If you are negative enough times, you subtract so much from the relationship that there is no more relationship.  It’s simple math.  It’s the law of the universe up there on the flip chart of life: positive adds, negative subtracts.)

When you are a positive person with positive thoughts about the future, you add something to every person you talk to.  You bring something of value to every communication.  Even every email and voicemail (that’s positive) adds something to the life of the person who receives it.  Because positive (+)  always adds something. It’s a definite plus. It even runs even deeper than that.  If you think positive thoughts throughout the day, you are adding (+) to your own deep inner experience of living.  You are bringing a plus (+) to your own spirit and energy with each positive thought.

Your negative thoughts take away (-) from the experience of being alive.  They rob you of your energy. Challenge them.

Say this to yourself: “I, myself, like this math.  I like its simplicity.  I can now do this math throughout my day.  When I am experiencing negative thoughts about my team or my to-do list, I know it’s time to take a break and regroup and refresh.  It’s time to call a time-out, close my eyes and relax into my purpose and my mission.  It’s time to slow down and breathe into it.  I take a lot of quick breaks like that during the day, and this practice is changing my life for the better. It is making me stronger and more energetic than ever before.”

Your own strength and energy motivates others.

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Finding Space in a World Full of Doodads

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This year I committed to de-cluttering something every week.

In the last 2 weeks I have been doing my de-cluttering by not asking “do I need this?” but instead “what is my Return on holding onto this? – Do I use it and get a return on it at all either as a useful item or a pleasure”.  If I can’t identify an ROI it goes in the charity bag irrespective of what it cost me.

This is because it’s taking up space in my space and in taking up that space it’s creating not-space. Every doodad, book, shoe etc has a “dust collection value” and every time we say- “oh I can’t throw that it cost me xyz “-all we’re adding is – dust. Then the cleaner has to clean it, and the space has to store it and we have less and less space – and so it goes on.

I went to Sedona last month and will be going again as I found it an energetic boost both physically and mentally. I have been working with my own coach on capturing and re-creating Sedona moments since I came back to London using visualisation and meditation.

I like space, I like expansion – expansive thought, expansive feelings, expansive ways of being and that is what I want to recapture on a regular basis.

So – are you creating expanse or expense? Are you expanding or expending? Exhaling or expiring? Think on – Ask yourself: where and how is my space?

Marie x

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Goodness Gracious, Great Balls of Gratitude

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I’ve been reflecting on the past year from my sick bed in the last week or so.

Now, I’m a people person. Whilst I really enjoy my own company almost to reclusive lengths sometimes, I love the energy of being around people. I’ve done a lot of being around people this year and here’s a bit of gratitude to those who have lightened and livened my year, either through their support of me or because they have shown me things I either haven’t seen before or which I forgot…

My Coaches. A coach without a coach is like a driver without a car or a car without an engine. Not having a coach in my profession is like a dentist who doesn’t have a dentist. How can you be in this great profession without receiving great coaching? I have received stellar one to one coaching this year from some brilliant coaches, Steve Crabb, Steve Chandler, Michael Neill, Paul McKenna. Iyanla Vanzant, Bill Cumming, Ali Campbell, Rich Litvin, Greg Baer, Lynn Robinson. Of these, Steve Chandler and Steve Crabb have directly trained and coached me the most. They are in great part responsible for what has been unleashed more recently.

Because of Supercoach Academy, Alternatives and others, I have had the privilege of experiencing some fantastic trainers in the world of personal development and in addition to those mentioned above I am indebted to; Mandy Evans, Jen Louden, George Pransky, Gay Hendricks, Kevin Laye, Elese Coit, Robert Holden, SriKumar Rao, Lorna Byrne, Byron Katie, the Barefoot Doctor, Earl Purdy, David Hoffmeister, Tina Taylor and Marianne Wiliamson.

Without clients, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the magic of seeing transformation in others and this year my lovely clients have given me the opportunity to observe and support sometimes phenomenal change. I love you for everything you are, everything you are creating and everything you are becoming: Peter, Carole, Carol, Jane, Caroline, AJ, Raj, Stu, Julia, Sharon, Marina, Julia, Rich, Ollie, Mireille, Hazel, Alexandra, Eva, Graham, Katherine, Eileen, Elizabeth, Matt, Jazz, Ros, Nikki, Michael, Helen, Jason, Sara and Amanda.

I have worked with some great organisations who are delivering fabulous results in the world through fabulous people in healthcare delivery, scientific research and technology, housing, social research, voluntary services, academia, retail, finance and new businesses. I never mention you by name but even so, you know I think you are great – even if you sometimes think you aren’t and even when I tell you you’re not that marvellous from time to time.

Then there’s the friends who have made me laugh, cry and supported everything in between this year. Thanks to Ailsa, Kevin, Steve, Mark, Jenny, Sue, Judith, Marina, Sharon, Jane, Carole, Antoinette, Karen, Bianca, Jakki, Kate, Marijke, Charles, Wendy, Ros, Frankie, Clive, Gordon, Jackie, Carol, Jacky, Anna, Cath, Kavi, Ravi, Kit, Ralph, Richard, Lou, Yupar, Max, Joanie, Violeta, Angeli, Steve T, Charlotte, Mariana, Jeni, Stuart, Elaine, Ron, Carolyn, Melissa, Melanie, Fee, Erin, Michael, Franzi and ol.

Then there’s the family, who both change and are ever constant in our love, laughs, trials and tribulations. Thanks Kathy, Nathan, Colin, Keely, Marie, Andy, Claire, Josh, Scarlet, Oscar, Daisy and Nancy noodle.

I quite like kicking off the end of 2010 with a bit of gratitude. If I have missed anyone I apologise – tis the drugs (of the virus variety).

So – Who are you grateful for this last year?

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Confusion is like weeds

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“Confusion is a word we have invented for an order which is not understood.”

Henry Miller

I like some of Henry Miller’s work and I like this quote because it reminds me of how we see things in so many other places that we have found short cut language for, or have labelled as disorderly or confusing to meet our own version of how things should be,would be, or could be, if everything was ordered and neat.

We say ” she’s like a peg in a round hole” for someone who “doesn’t fit”-when maybe, she’s just sitting in the wrong shape for now. We say things are weeds when maybe they’re just flowers in the wrong space.They don’t fit our definition of a flower- for now.

A bit like Miller himself who didn’t always fit in society or make himself popular as an author either.

I think this quote is so profound because we see confusion and discord where we just don’t understand. Things that make our brains hurt or things that we sometimes just can’t be bothered to get to grips with, we describe as “confusing”. People who we don’t want to or choose not to understand we consider “confused” or “confusing”.

So, if we’ve invented confusion to categorise those things that don’t fit, or that we can’t accept- for now… What would your life be like if you didn’t have confusion? What if the weeds weren’t really weeds?

Would it be chaos? Would it be a blessed release? Would it be a new adventure?

What would an absence of confusion be like for you? For your family? for your friends? For your co-workers? Your employees? What would happen if you just decided to no longer be confused or to no longer do confusion?

Why don’t you try that then ?

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What’s your issue?

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“Try to find your deepest issue in every confusion, and abide by that.”

D. H. Lawrence

Is there

Something you are

So

Unhappy about that it’s getting in the way of your

Enjoyment of life?

I was with a coaching client last week who said he was desperately unhappy. He’s losing his job after 25 years with one employer, his wife’s not happy that he has stayed with them all of these years, his daughter is (hopefully) just going off to University and his mother has been diagnosed with a recurrence of a terminal illness.

Now, as his coach is it my role to “jolly him out of it” and let him see that “it’s really not all that bad”? NO.

My job as his coach is to help him to find a way to find a way to manage these life events and as and when he is ready, to see the potential that his very rich life has to offer despite this series of setbacks. For now, my job is to listen a lot and give him enough tools to deal with the immediate situation. To remind him of all the things I know he is just great at. ( He has coached with me before 5 years ago).

Then, when he’s ready to hear it and deal with it, we will start working on the tough stuff and aim to make his new journey not so tough. My job is to help him see the opportunity and the potential in his life going forward- wherever it is he decides he wants to take it.

My job is to be there to help him redefine himself in his new guise, rediscover his potential, remind him of where he is going and help him to deal with the reality of his current and future live. So, as you can see, we’ll be doing a lot of “re” work together.

We’ll rework alsorts to get him where he wants to go. We’ll rework; ideas, beliefs, self imposed limitations,sadness, hurt, joy-anything and everything to get him towards what he wants in his compelling and wonderful future.

Then, when he’s ready to notice, he’ll know that he’s re-assessed, re-grouped and re-worked it all into ..

Is there

Something or some things you are

So

Universally 

Excited about in this myriad of

Success called your life that you just can’t wait to appreciate it and go there?

I can’t wait.

Of course I will, because patience is my middle name. (It isn’t really, I don’t have a middle name but if I had one it would be patience or victory or go for it or yes you can…..or…..)

So, what’s your issue?

Marie x



 

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