The Little Red Dress of Off The Shoulder Confidence

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“ I am convinced that one of the most helpful things we can do for people is to refuse  to buy into their inappropriately restricted views of their limitations”    Nathanial Branden

  At this time of year I do some random  check ins with clients I have coached. It’s a half hour call where we just chat about what ‘s working, what possibilities the clients I have worked with are creating, what successes they have noted since our work completed and an opportunity for me to say thanks for a great year.

I did a call yesterday with a wonderful woman who is already successful in her field and is destined for even greater things in 2013. When we met, she was great at standing up in front of casts of hundreds to deliver presentations. Her research and her knowledge of her specialist subject are well known and highly respected. Everyone sees her as a huge success.

This time last year she couldn’t  even attend the awards ceremony where she was up for an award ( delivered in her absence) because she was just too shy to be seen. Her own self image was very different to the outside she portrayed most of her working day. She had what she described as ” body and self esteem issues “. She was shy of shining and standing out because she felt small, petite, diminished and insignificant . ( Her words in session one not mine). I just didn’t see that. I saw a savvy, smart, hardworking woman underselling her potential.

In our call today, she relayed her experience of this years’ awards ceremony where she didn’t get an award. She had a great time mingling with others in her bright red dress ( off the shoulder and above the knee please note ) and when she was invited up to give  the acceptance speech that she was too afraid to give last year, she did. I asked her how it made her feel.She said….. ” A  little nervous, then very brave, then, so confident that I could have stayed on that podium and talked all night. I was ON FIRE” . (Must have been the red dress).

Lyn is an example of why I do what I do. She couldn’t even bear to look at herself in a mirror for more than five seconds when we met. Coaching is all about possibility, it’s all about, getting the fear out, looking it square in the face with a clarity that says ” I love life and you dear fear are not part if it anymore.” It ‘s about singing ” I got my red dress on ” or ” get up and boogie” whatever song you want to sing. It’s  about finding your true song and learning to sing it for the first time.

And sometimes, it’s about learning how to sing in an off the shoulder red dress to accept the recognition of the wonderful you that others can see when you can’t – yet.

I love facilitating success. After sixteen years of coaching I never tire of helping people change their story.I love seeing the possibility of my clients unfold like the pages of a crisp new book.I’d love to work with more people like Lyn who want a new story and want to live in possibility land.  I made a little you tube video about Thinking in possibility and you can watch and like it here.

There are  some slots available for coaching with me from March 2013. I work with clients for  3 months, 6 months or on  my ” YES” (You Exploring Success) one day intensive. Get in touch by clicking on possibility ifyou want to create possibility and success. Put ” I want to wear my red dress in 2013″ in the header of your email, or if your shy that I might judge you for wanting to wear a cute little red number (I won’t) you could simply write….

“Can we have a conversation about my coaching with you in 2013″

Loving the possibilities.

Marie x

 

   

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Get real if you are getting outraged at abuse

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I’ve now heard enough opinion and outrage from people commenting on Facebook and twitter about Jimmy Savile and his behavior. As outrageous as his behavior was (and it was) it’s so easy to simply comment, add to the comment of others, express outrage, evoke sympathy and the like. But what will you DO? Talk is easy, action involves a bit of effort.

We call these children (mostly now adults) “victims”. In my view this is a handy label we use to make us feel better but in truth, it serves to disempower abused people even more. Giving someone a label of victim, sets them apart and places them “over there”. It takes away their power. It creates a homogeneous group that we can deal with. Before you send me letters- please don’t. My point is that we use disempowering language that adds to the negative experience of people with our negative labeling. They’re people, human beings, children, young teenagers…. They deserve to keep the dignity of proper naming. They’ve had an undignified experience or experiences, we don’t need to add to it with convenient shorthand labels. It’s a view but a fairly well informed one.

Savile was a public figure that seems to have been highly manipulative and planned in gaining access to vulnerable children. Not just small children but teenagers-those under the age of eighteen.(Yes, children are children until they reach the age of majority, that is eighteen). Whilst they might choose to have sex at sixteen, technically they’re still children. We like to conveniently forget that teenagers are children when it suits us to believe it. Normally when they are being difficult, getting asbos, rioting or killing each other on housing estates that most of us never walk through. Continue reading »

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Are you leaving Joy or Junk behind you when you leave

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When was the last time you left someone or somewhere without thinking?

Does a room light up when you leave?

Do you leave an impression? an ism ( and I don’t mean impressionism)

Do you scatter fairy dust and leave the room full of sparkle?

Are your friends and loved ones saying “au revoir- can’t wait to see you again ” or ” oh revolt- that vist was like torture. Let’s move and forget the forwarding address”?

The question really is, what is the impact you leave on people and  in a place or space?

Do you even know or ever think about it? If you don’t think about it, don’t worry others will do that for you. We all have the judging gene and you will find that if you really can’t be bothered to reflect on this, you don’t need to concern yourself with it. Others will do it for you – willingly. We all do it – gossip, pass comment on others, condemn the behaviour of “him” or “her”, or “them” and “they” as though “we” have nothing to do with it.In that moment we are paragons of perfection passing judgement on others.

We’re human and we all do it. The issue is one of percentage of time spent in gloom or glad.

So where are you today?

Are you having …

Moaning Mondays v  Marvellous Mondays

Terrible Tuesdays v  Terrific Tuesdays

Waste of time Wednesdays v  Wonderful Wednesdays

Thankless Thursdays v  Thankful Thursdays

Foul Fridays v  Freedom Fridays

Sarcasm Saturdays v  Super Saturdays

Stuck in a rut Sundays v Satiated Sundays

Think about it and just decide what kind of day to have and how yo want to leave a room,  a person, a place.

William Arthur Ward puts this wonderfully ( and as I write this it isn’t even Wednesday) .. ENJOY

Marie x

“Every person has the power to make others happy.
Some do it simply by entering a room
others by leaving the room.
Some individuals leave trails of gloom;
others, trails of joy.
Some leave trails of hate and bitterness;
others, trails of love and harmony.
Some leave trails of cynicism and pessimism;
others trails of faith and optimism.
Some leave trails of criticism and resignation;
others trails of gratitude and hope.
What kind of trails do you leave?”

 

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Premiership Football, Honour and Doing the Right Thing

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I have been pre occupied with the return of parliament for the last two weeks or so and political shenanigans are on my radar.

In particular, the antics of Mr. Gove. Our right Honorable Secretary of State for Education.

Mr. Gove spent the first week of parliament’s return abrogating his responsibility for the plight of several 16 year olds across the country whose exams have been marked to a different standard this summer without, it seems, consulting teachers. This has resulted in what many a teen will see as exam failure because they didn’t meet their own, their parent’s and their teacher’s grade expectation.

How could they? It’s like expecting a football team to play a single premiership football game and not telling them until after they have scored that the net was in the wrong place and their goals are not valid. That the 3 – 0 West Ham –Fulham score a couple of weekends ago was really a draw. That now the Premier League have examined the state of play it doesn’t matter that West Ham thought they were playing by certain rules because, well, the league have applied a different set of standards. They have moved the goal posts (literally) and these football managers and footballers really ought to keep up.

It gets worse…

The Right Honorable Michael Gove wants to change the GSCE system that children experience between 14 and 16. He has wanted to do this since he was appointed minister. Well actually, it seems for some years. When he was asked why he was changing the system he actually said on national television “ because I believe the old system to be the right one, I attended a grammar school and completed exam based o levels (GCSEs) and I have always wanted to reintroduce them. I think it is the right thing to do”.

Strange- I thought we elected politicians to do what we wanted them to do rather than fulfil their own personal aspirations at the expense of future citizens? I can see nothing that is either right or honourable about this approach.

He is introducing an exam only system rather than continuous assessment. These despite the fact that life and work and experience of the world are rarely like an exam. Show me a life choice, a life experience that really necessitates studying for 2 years and the result being assessed in a 3-hour exam. We are at risk of creating young minds that are practiced at passing exams rather than really learning. Really learning how to continuously apply knowledge and skills. We all know that learning is a continuous process rather than an episodic event right? So, will history consign this little escapade as the introduction of

Gove’s

Crazy

Stupid

Ego exams?

It’s like the chairman of the League telling a group of premiership footballers that we have made a mistake in training them to undertand pitch strategy whilst actually standing and positioning themselves on the pitch. That their future income is at risk if they don’t get grade C or above in a three hour exam that they will sit next week.

Before you start thinking “bitter, she obviously didn’t do well in her GCSEs like that nice Mr. Gove did”. I passed my 11 plus and am part of the previously privileged who, along with David Gove  went to grammar school. I have 11 o levels. (I believe he has 8) I am not remotely bitter about the system I went through. It served me well. I do remember that I had friends who felt they were written off at age 11. That their parents felt their careers were limited from therein because they would do the seemingly lesser CSE level exams and would be considered a lesser mortal because they “were not good at exams”.

Like Mr. Gove -I was lucky enough to experience a grammar school education. It doesn’t mean that I am any brighter than people who didn’t. It was over 30 years ago. We need to move with the times and in 2012 we do know that exams are not the only indicator of ability. We have moved beyond creating an education system that acts like a ” one time only ” offer in the supermarket of teenage life.

In case you haven’t noticed- unusually this has hit a nerve.

It’s yet another bit of nonsense we are creating to put young people through new hoops and make the world look unfair to them, yet again. It will be done too quickly. Although the press announcement says that the system will take effect in 2014 this means that children aged 14 starting their studies now will be affected and will go through this new system.

Let’s hope there is one amongst them who thinks “ in 10-20 years time I will be secretary of state for education and I will reverse this system and introduce meaningful ways of assessing ability and learning for children that equips them for the 21st century rather than the 20th- just because when I am secretary of state, I can and I think it’s the right thing to do”

We have these people called MPs elected to run the country and we elected them. Pupils have their pupil parliament. Most of our MPs take their duty of representation very seriously indeed. You can always write to yours if you feel inclined or have your child make their views known through the pupil parliament.

Enough ranting from me. Maybe Mr. Gove might like to create a GCSE in ranting- I am not offering to mark it. A GCSE in 21st century thinking or common sense – I could be tempted to apply for Chief Examiner for that one.

Marie x

 

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Looking at stars from the inside out

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My friend Melissa writes the most wonderful poetry and sends a small group of us a poem a day. She hides her light. I like to see it glow. I’d love to see it shine like a beacon if she would but publish it all.

This is  a wonderful one received today about looking from the inside out.

 

Insight

The patterns I see when I close my eyes

are more captivating than I have seen

in one hundred night or evening skies.

You can’t believe me or know what I mean

without being inside of me to see.

The other-worldly colors draw me in

with the crystalline shapes of jewelry–

I merely close my eyes and I’m sanguine.

 

Too, you must know that the patterns are lit

not from the outside but from inner glow.

All day or all night I could lie or sit

wandering around in this jeweled light show.

The color today was so beautiful

it’s no hyperbole that I was awed,

no second is this time boring or dull.

It dawned on me I was looking at God.

 

About this inner movie appearing–

perhaps I have gone in so very far

that I can see my spirit’s beginning,

so I can see the sparkle of my star.

– Copyright © Melissa Severance 2012

 

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How good are you at receiving Acknowledgement?

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Are you editing your day and filing it away like a checked to do list, or are you stopping to acknowledge your achievements and success?

I am really good at giving feedback. At acknowledging good service, great writing, great insights and the like. At the beginning of this New Year I have been challenged by three independent sources to hear praise and acknowledgement. To be willing to hear and receive more. I do hear it and am always grateful for it, these people meant, “yes but REALLY REALLY hear it!”

So, I am listening and noticing more at the start of 2012. I did a quick reflect yesterday in my inbox, cards and phone and pulled the snippets below. Yes, this really is from the last week! It’s amazing how powerful feedback is when you put it all together and read it.

These are genuine comments lifted from my files. I say this because I do know of some bloggers who frankly- make this stuff up. (I know- You’re shocked to learn this dear reader).

So why am I sharing these gems?

I’m sharing it to encourage you to go and look at what feedback you are getting about your work and your life more generally. To stop and look at the power of your feedback even if just to take a look back at the week.

We skip through life living in the moment or the next moment and rarely stop to take stock and pay attention. I’m suggesting that it’s helpful to-reflect and notice.

Here’s the feedback and something about what I notice when I actively look at the compliments of the last week.

“Marie, thanks for your many special care tips

-       This one dropped into my mailbox just as I started feeling victimized and sorry for myself :-) “

My work makes a difference in people’s lives sometimes when I don’t even know it and don’t DO anything in that moment-Because they pickup the practical inspiration tips from this site.

“I just wanted to say thanks again for the Exploration days last week, I know you are sending us an evaluation and wanted to send this now in any case.  I found the session inspiring and re-energising, perfect at the start of a new year.  You have an amazing ability to balance the business world and personal growth.  I think you pitched the session perfectly giving those new to the ideas an insight and yet there was also great depth to the exercises too.  I was surprised just how quickly you managed to get us all to open up and know what we were really there for (Only at Huna courses have I seen anything even close to as effective)”.

“I haven’t shut up about the course yet and have desperately been trying to get my wife on it. Have been doing my “three a day” with the family every night as well. The course has been a massive boost to be honest. Desperately hoping that the magic doesn’t wear off”.

When people REALLY like what I do they sit down and send me unsolicited feedback. I get quite a lot of this and it’s lovely.

“ I loved your piece on the men you worked with last week. It really made me think how we sometimes deny men their male-ness and wisdom.”

People read my blog and I don’t even know they’re reading it. I like the fact that it makes people THINK- it’s the reason I write it.

“ You are my very precious friend and I love you”

Friends are such an important part of life and I am grateful for them every day. Expressions of LOVE are such a big part of my work and of who I am. Giving and receiving love is really what life is about. 

“Great course, excellent facilitation, I feel so much more confident in my coaching skills after these 2 days. Thanks Marie.”

“Just a quick note to say thanks for everything on the course – for one relatively new to management, it has been genuinely inspirational”.

Enabling people to think differently and see possibility through speaking, teaching and coaching runs through the whole of my career. INSPIRING new managers or managers who need a “revive and refresh” gives me a great feeling. We never forget an inspiring teacher. I like being that.

“ Marie Taylor, you are a genius. “

I like my brain and I’m happy to be considered to be “of extraordinary intellect and talent”(the definition of GENIUS) from time to time.

“My dear, lovely sister, thank you for all of my wonderful birthday celebrations. You are one of the many gifts in my life-always.”

Family are so important to me as we have lost a lot of people too early in their lives in ours. So, marking and acknowledging birthdays is important. Being considered a GIFT- in the family, well, who wouldn’t value that?   

“A brilliant facilitator- we need more of this type of learning intervention- much more. Thank you for helping me to think the thoughts of the really brave. My team will be the better for it and I will be a much better leader too!”

“Looking forward to our adventures this year- so glad to have you to share them with.”

I’ve had many an ADVENTURE in life so far and I do like a good adventure (must be reading all those Enid Blyton books growing up). Generating bravery and a sense of adventure in both thoughts and of the spirit is what I aim to do through my teaching and speaking work. It’s nice that others feel it too.

“Even when you are angry (your version of angry-which in my world is slightly irritated) I still think you are fabulous.”

How FABULOUS  to have people around me who accept me being mrs grumpy of godawfulday from time to time.

 

I am overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed, gracious and grateful.

So- Over to you. What are YOU hearing? What great feedback are you letting skip by you?

What are you doing that really makes you THINK?

What and who do you LOVE?

Where is your inspiration and who do you INSPIRE?

How are you using your gifts of your GENIUS brain?

What and where is your next FABULOUS ADVENTURE?

Have a listening and really really hearing it all kinda week.

Marie x

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Digging through our Roots and Planting new Trees in New Landscapes

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“There exists a different state of mind beyond our cultural conditioning and programmed assumptions”.

 This quote is from Buddha’s four noble truths. It originates from the 6th century BC when cultural conditioning was different and yet was, it seems, as rooted in our thinking as a frame of everyday unconscious reference as it is today. People viewed their current experience and thoughts through the lens of their historical understanding and experience.

 We don’t know what we don’t yet know. We live most of our lives taking our assumptions as the basis of our understanding and living out our experience through the limits of our repeating patterns. We learn these repeating patterns from our own child and adult experiences and those of the people around us. Their stories, rituals, mythology and experience of the world has influenced not just our experience, but our thinking about that experience.

 This means that sometimes we do things, think things, say things and interpret things out of habit. We assume that we know how a situation will play out, what others think, what they will likely say in response to us, and how others in our life will respond in a given set of circumstances. We don’t. We are assuming these things based on our past experience or more likely, the experience we remember which may not be accurate.

 If we get rid of our assumptions and just come to situations with an open mind and a sense of possibility. From a calm, accepting place of whatever happens and whatever comes is fine. From within that space, go create some new stories.

 “There is a path to this different state of mind, whereby we let go of an old identity, and realise our own perfect nature.“

 So, check where things are not going well for you at the moment and ask yourself, what am I assuming here?

How are my old learned patterns showing up?

If these are not useful to me, what will I choose instead for the future?

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THANKSGIVING –Oh Happy Day

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In the spirit of giving thanks for the rich harvest of life today. I invite you to think about who and what you are grateful for. Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends and those temporarily inhabiting. Enjoy!!!!

Today, I give thanks …

For family who are just the best, even when they are acting out like pains in the posterior. Especially when they tolerate me being a pain in the bum on the VERY rare occasion that that happens.

For friends who make me laugh and cry out loud. Who challenge my thinking and my self-perception, reminding me that my ego is in fact fairly small and it could come out more when invited.

For clients who rock my world so often with their insight and preparedness to continue growing into ever more successful human beings.

For you dear reader. I appreciate that you take an interest in what I have to say and my take on this precious life of ours.

For the coaches I have worked with in this past year who have held up mirrors, shined a light, challenged my thinking, and generally helped me to be a better coach and a more rounded individual.

For those people who have moved on from me in this lifetime during this year for their lessons and their love.

For everyone who supplies me with anything that makes my days easier to manage from my lovely cleaner to the ocado delivery guy.

For those people who organise things that I just turn up to; trainings, dinners, network events and days out.

For my body that keeps carrying me around and works like a well oiled machine when I look after it and treat it respectfully.

For my mind that stays healthy and keeps expanding and reminds me that the quietness within takes practice.

For the roof over my head and the many roofs I have visited around the world this year which have provided shelter whatever the weather.

For water, light and heat, both natural and artificial for their sustenance.

For living in a democracy like the UK which works fine most of the time.

For the occasional miracle and that I don’t always know from where and whence it came. Just that it did.

Here are some peeps I am grateful to who fall into the category above. I apologise if I have missed you off here. It wasn’t my intention. It’s simply that there is so much to be grateful for in life.

http://mandyevans.com/

http://www.empowering-solutions.co.uk/

http://www.robertholden.org/

http://www.billohanlon.com/

http://www.stevechandler.com/index.html

http://www.theultimatecoach.net/profile.html

http://www.marianne.com/

http://www.supercoach.com/

http://www.theboothbyinstitute.org/

http://lynnrobinson.com/

http://www.sekanikolic.com

http://www.aventesi.com/

http://www.parapublishing.com/sites/para/about/danpoynter.cfm

http://sethgodin.com

http://marthabeck.com

http://brucelipton.com

http://hayhouse.co.uk/

http://www.alternatives.org.uk/

http://besomebodyinc.com/category/poetry/

http://www.jennywilliamscoaching.co.uk/

http://fionajacob.com/

http://www.suetrinder.com/

http://www.idacoaching.com/explore

http://amazinglifedesign.com/

http://www.maryhaines.com/

http://ovationcoaching.com

http//bevinlynch.com

http:thelindseypractice.com

Mark Beasley

Jenny Ashton

http://mediopartnership.com/p/about-medio/meet-the-team/steve-tarpey

http://www.coachcharrise.com/

http://www.krayna.blogspot.com/

http://spicelearning.com/

http://www.positive-belief.co.uk/

http://elesecoit.com/

http://thatconfidenceguy.com/

http://onlinebusinessgym.com/tag/marion-ryan/

http://www.markshaw.biz/

http://www.compuaid.co.uk/

http://www.vodafone.co.uk/

http://www.bt.com/

https://www.facebook.com/

http://twitter.com/

http://hootsuite.com

http://www.ocado.com/webshop/

http://www.amazon.co.uk/

http://lovefilm.com

And a light never forgotten……

http://www.justgiving.com/Jeni-Purdie

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Silence, observer sports and a golden ticket

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The path of least resistance is silence.
 
The path of least resistance is always silence. If we don’t express our feelings and thoughts to others we don’t have to deal with their reactions to them. We don’t have to deal with anything in fact. If we choose not to express thoughts but dismiss them. If we consider them merely a constructed reality that don’t impact us if we don’t let them in. If we just accept them as, well, thoughts. As thoughts  that are not worth thinking. It makes life a great observer sport.
 
We don’t have to do, say, or feel anything. We just need to be with our evolving consciousness somewhere in a cave on a mountain observing. We may be observing to the point of not even noticing, what is going on all around us.
 
We don’t need to feel anything. If we don’t feel anything, particularly vulnerability, we don’t risk rejection. In fact, we could live in a bubble and feel absolutely nothing at all if we choose. We could simply take the view that everything is perfect as it is. That the world was ticking along as it ought. Presumably, this would mean that poverty, hunger and violence are just projections created by our thoughts. As they’re not real, we don’t need to concern ourselves with them. Right?
 
As Brendon Burchard says: the path of least resistance leads exactly where that park ride in his book leads to. Carts looping the loop.
Are you looping in this thought dismissing dimension?  If this post makes you think, great.

If it doesn’t- it’may already be too late.
 
www.lifesgoldenticket.com

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Are you being terribly British about gratitude?

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  “We act as if gratitude and appreciation are our good china and our fancy tablecloth and bring them out on really special occasions.” Marci Shimoff.

 

 

  Let’s face it. On the whole, we brits are still a tad reticent about the old gratitude piece even   though it’s the 21st century. Before you send emails- I said “on the whole.” Meaning in the main, the majority- not necessarily you dear reader.

 I often work with people who find it difficult to express thanks and general appreciation of each other, be those relationships intimate, family, friends, neighbours, or work colleagues.  I do mean often by the way, not occasionally.

 We attribute giving thanks and appreciation as somehow an act of special dispensation. That if we articulate it too much, appreciate people a great deal. If we say, that was or you are “great, thanks, thank you, wow, brilliant, marvellous, stupendous, wonderful, a star, a delight, brilliant, amazing and the like on a regular basis, these regular statements somehow diminish the impact of appreciation when it is given.

 Marci Shimoff is right. It is like keeping the good china and the best tablecloth in the cupboard for high days and holidays when visitors who are seemingly more important than those who live with us, work with us or are in regular contact with us come around. We want to show them they are special on this special day and we have made an extra effort.

 Why? Life is too short for keeping your best bits in the cupboard.

There is so much to be grateful for. Even if we are not interacting with others, there is much to say thank you for. Only this morning, I noticed that the pre Christmas fundraising requests are coming in from the regular charities whose envelopes land on my doormat asking if I could just “give a bit more” this month. So, over my morning cuppas (I always have two), I am grateful that I am with sight, living in a democracy and have never had to experience a member of my family or a friend returning from a war zone with a part of their former selves missing. I give thanks that I turn on the tap and there is clean water, that we have a welfare state which means older people can be taken care of within 4 brick walls. I’m grateful to the window cleaner who came and polished the panes this morning- he does a job that I hate and if he didn’t call every 6 weeks frankly I would at some stage be living like miss Haversham with people knocking on the door to see if I am still within. I’m grateful for the BBC and Radio Four in particular who wake me up to the world every day.

 So, get your best china out of the cupboard and keep it out.

 If you dare, break out completely and join our American cousins on Thursday and consider what you are grateful for as you eat your dinner. Say it out loud to whoever you are with. Go on. I dare you- make your appreciation awesome!

 Marie xx

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